21 Jan Overcoming Intimacy Obstacles
Sonoma Visit
-Marriage = Vineyard
-Little Foxes = Issues
Our “Little Foxes”
Mark early; Grace late. Mark big potato chips; Grace smaller crumbs.
Mark introvert; Grace extrovert. Mark likes football; Grace really dislikes football.
Mark organized; Grace more random. Mark pessimist; Grace optimist.
Mark impatient; Grace patient. Mark driving windows down; Grace does not.
Mark not nervous public speaking; Grace is. Mark writing sex book fun; Grace…not so much.
- First days – best behavior, dressed up, breath mint, drive nice, chew food, 0 farts
- Over time – irritated – not God’s laws but our rules
US: Dishwasher? Guy TV? Add to dinner? Toilet seat up/down? ??YOU??
Flirting
Song of Songs 2:8-13 [She] Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, [He] “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.”
- Anticipation = planning @ parents house, peering out window, excited for their date
- Ministry of Presence – being together Jesus & Holy Spirit (“Living Alone Apart”)
- Nicknames = Cursing/Blessing; Reap/Sow
- She says” “young stag/stud”
- He says, “my darling, my beautiful one” 2:14 “dove” – peace, faithful mate lifetime, HS
SEASONS: “SPRING”
-Seasons of Marriage – dating, engaged, new married, kids, work, health, move, empty nest
-Seasons in Marriage– Winter (cold); Spring (warm up); Summer (hot); Fall (cooling down)
From Flirting (spring) to Fighting (winter)
Song of Songs 2:14-15 [He] My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
- -She is Verbal, He is Visual
- Compliments – “your voice is sweet”, “your face is lovely” (deposits vs withdrawals)
= OUR EARLY MARRIAGE FAILS
= they go from flirt to flight quickly
COMMON “FOXES”
- Differences
=spender/saver; night owl/early bird, introvert/extrovert, neatnik/messy, toilet seat up/down
- Priorities – (law of jealousy)
- Boundaries (ex, family, friends, work, technology)
- Disorganization (schedule, budget, household, bedtime)
- Past pain, or shame
- Technology
Little Foxes ?? When ?? 1).Day off 2). Holiday 3). Vacation 4). Covid = more time together
3 Types of Homes
- Random Homes
- Closed Homes
- Open Homes
=Grace and I. Early marriage. Ministry. Kids
Fight For Your Marriage, Not With Your Spouse
Song of Songs 2:16-3:4 [She] My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills. All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?” Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.
- ??Unknown fox in vineyard??
- Abbi’s guilty this time
- Solomon “stonewalls”
- Abbi makes first move (repenting/owning)
- Genesis 2:24 “cleave”, “be joined”, “become united”, “stick with”, “hold fast”, or “cling to”
- SOS 2:16 “My beloved is mine and I am his…” = mutual belonging
= Strong vs Independent
The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse
- Criticism – The person does not have a problem, they are the problem
- Contempt – Sneering, mocking, name calling, eye rolling, and volume raising.
- Defensiveness – Make excuses and blame shift, double down, change the subject.
- Stonewalling – Tune out, practice the silent treatment, leave the room, drive away. Most often it’s husband as in Song of Songs.
- John Gottman. Predicts divorce 91% accuracy
- “Harsh Startup”
2 ways to talk about the Little Fox 1). Heaven Down 2). Hell Up
30 Years
#1. Both sinners so be a Christian & forgive/repent
#2. Both annoying
- Progress not perfection
- You can be alone or annoyed (one day you might be alone & wish you were annoyed)
