23 Jul What Happens When Adult Children Have a Controlling Parent? (Genesis 29:1-30)
-30’s @ Sport Clips (vs my 12 yr old son) – style, pay, gel
The Well
Genesis 29: 1-3 Then Jacob went on his journey and came to the land of the people of the east. As he looked, he saw a well in the field, and behold, three flocks of sheep lying beside it, for out of that well the flocks were watered. The stone on the well’s mouth was large, and when all the flocks were gathered there, the shepherds would roll the stone from the mouth of the well and water the sheep, and put the stone back in its place over the mouth of the well.
=3rd Place
– Romance @ well – Moses & Zipporah; Isaac & Rebekah; Jacob & Rachel
Ignorant vs Innocent (parents played favorites, over parented, spoiled rich kid @ home)
The Welcome
Genesis 29: 4 – 14 Jacob said to them, “My brothers, where do you come from?” They said, “We are from Haran.” He said to them, “Do you know Laban the son of Nahor?” They said, “We know him.” He said to them, “Is it well with him?” They said, “It is well; and see, Rachel his daughter is coming with the sheep!” He said, “Behold, it is still high day; it is not time for the livestock to be gathered together. Water the sheep and go, pasture them.” But they said, “We cannot until all the flocks are gathered together and the stone is rolled from the mouth of the well; then we water the sheep.” While he was still speaking with them, Rachel came with her father’s sheep, for she was a shepherdess. Now as soon as Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, Jacob came near and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. Then Jacob kissed Rachel and wept aloud. And Jacob told Rachel that he was her father’s kinsman, and that he was Rebekah’s son, and she ran and told her father. As soon as Laban heard the news about Jacob, his sister’s son, he ran to meet him and embraced him and kissed him and brought him to his house. Jacob told Laban all these things, and Laban said to him, “Surely you are my bone and my flesh!” And he stayed with him a month.
Jacob – new believer, naïve, away from home, meets Rebekah’s brother his uncle Laban
- Socially Awkward – moved stone to impress (vs many men)
- Emotionally Awkward – kisser her & weeps aloud (=NOT good 1. Alone 2. W/peers)
God – Providence 1. Sovereign 2. Good
The Wedding
Genesis 29:15 – 20 Then Laban said to Jacob, “Because you are my kinsman, should you therefore serve me for nothing? Tell me, what shall your wages be?” Now Laban had two daughters. The name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance. Jacob loved Rachel. And he said, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.” Laban said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to any other man; stay with me.” So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her.
- Leah – single, older sister (14 yrs), some physical problems
- Rachel – single, younger, beautiful
- Laban – control freak & con artist – sister Rebekah is Jacob’s mom
- Jacob – old (my age or older) = OBEDIENT
- Does not pray – for guidance like his father Isaac did to get Rebekah
- Cannot pay – 7 yrs of labor for the bride price (proves he can provide for family)
=He does love Rebekah & will overcome any obstacle to marry her (excuse or a test?)
The Wild Honeymoon
Genesis 29:21 – 29 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife that I may go in to her, for my time is completed.” So Laban gathered together all the people of the place and made a feast. But in the evening he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and he went in to her. (Laban gave his female servant Zilpah to his daughter Leah to be her servant.) And in the morning, behold, it was Leah! And Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? Did I not serve with you for Rachel? Why then have you deceived me?” Laban said, “It is not so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also in return for serving me another seven years.” Jacob did so, and completed her week. Then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. (Laban gave his female servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel to be her servant.) So Jacob went in to Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah, and served Laban for another seven years.
- Jacob & Sibling – younger tricked older brother. Now tricked by older sister.
- Jacob & Father – deceived his father, now deceived by his father-in-law
Gal 6:7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
=Forgiveness vs Consequences (WISE – FOOLISH – EVIL)
Life Lessons
- Marriage changes your priorities (from dad/sister to husband)
- Some families are covert & controlling; deceptive & destructive
- The sisters are not victims, but co-conspirators
=Competition sisters & handmaids – keeping sleeping w/him (12 sons 4 women)
Lev 18:18 NLT “While your wife is living, do not marry her sister & have sexual relations w/her, for they would be rivals.
- Disobeying ungodly authority (obey parents unless they disobey God)
- It’s better for a daughter to be single than married and unloved
- God uses Bad Good =Heb 12 God Father uses hardship to discipline/disciple us in love
10 Signs of Controlling Parents of Adult Children
- Interfering in everything
- Use of manipulation tactics ($, guilt, ext family)
- Conditional love
- Demanding obedience
- Harsh punishments that do not align with the offense
- Lack of empathy and respect (always about the parent)
- Lack of appreciation for individuality
- Eliminating or providing little privacy
- Criticizing or having an unsolicited opinion about independent choices
- Unattainable or perfectionist standards
=A).Healthy relationship B). Unhealthy relationship (codep) C). No relationship (indep)
6 Stages of Maturity
- Baby – all decisions & provisions – by another
- Child – decisions & provisions – combo you/mainly others
- Adolescent – most decisions & provisions by you – more freedom/resp.
- Young Adult – majority decisions & provisions by you
- Adult – responsible for self
- Mature Adult – responsible for others – bless/benefit
- When they are little you can control, as they get older you have to coach.
- When they are little they are in your world & on your schedule, as they get older you have to get into their world and on their schedule.
- You will not get the child you want, you must be the parent your child needs.
- If you want more freedom, be more responsible.
- There’s a big difference between helping child do good, and enabling bad.
- If you want them to repent to you, you have to repent to them.
- As you parent them, God is parenting you.
